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Friday
A sudden intensity in my ramblings isn’t it? Oh well, I guess that ‘s what people term as ‘inspiration’.
Recently, QX has engaged in some love and romance conversation with me. And no surprise, I just brush it off because I think I’m not entitled to it. Anyway, I had a dream last night and it gave me a little insight into what MIGHT be the problem with me.
Let’s start with the dream: I dreamt of a boy from my memories. He was loathed by some, called cradle snatcher by some, and irritating at times. But out of the handful of boys that ever came close to me, I think I simply cant wipe him out the way I did for the rest of the gang. Not his face, but him as a person who cared and bothered and (tried to be) sweet. Speaking of him brings strange warmth into my heart.
So, what’s the thought that struck me?
I figured that why till now my romance is still a barren land is because no male has been truly interested in knowing me. I mean those that came close did so because they really bother whether I’m dead or alive. Little acts like making sure that I did not die from starvation (back in school), or those who makes me laugh by being silly. And they probably did not know that their efforts are etched in my memories. If only they asked, I’ll probably have deserted my reservations.
But why the reservations in the first place? Inferiority. I’ve never been an item of interest to anybody. To many, I’m non-existent. As such, I never dared to harbor thoughts that someone will care, especially in the romantic sense. Childhood scars? Perhaps. But definitely, my fear stems from within. And precisely because of this, unless there’s one guy who is determined enough to pry deeper, I’ll be alone forever.
Well, I’m sure someone’s gonna say “ its all in your mind”. My answer is, it does take a lot of external help to get a hydrophobic kid to swim. I’m the kid and I require this external help.
6/10/2005|0comments [speak] 