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Sunday
I almost snapped on friday. So much so I was even contemplating of quitting. Suddenly, unemployment is a much better choice than to be stuck in this shit hole here.I do not why the books i read and the people i meet are so in love with this country and why their businesses sounds smooth sailing.
I don't mean to say i'm damn good but to some extent, i think i'm quite sensitive when it comes to culutres. I don't remember having such a hard time when I was in Thailand, nor when working in Myanmar. But this time, this place is almost suffocating me. The more I stay here, the more i hate this place.
I do not live my life anymore. I am another me here. One that is constantly living in fear, fear that i step on people's toes, fear that people may dislike me,fear that i did something wrong. I'm going bersek.I think people here have major complex problem. Their culture of 'face' goes beyond what the books i read wrote. These people are braggats, their think they are the kings, they think they own the world, they think too highly of themselves.So much so, when i meet people, i always bow down to them coz i feel inferior. But increasinly, i'm starting to wonder how clever they are. Maybe its because of this doubt hat i'm getting easily irritated by my bosses and colleagues. Everything I do, i have to be conscious to make them feel important, cannot bypass boss in anything, and when i say anything, its more like everything. Hence, it becomes a mental burden to constantly remind myself not to forget to report to him. Which unfortunately i did on friday. I forgot to let him peruse my pool contract. Now he doesnt want to see the details of the contract but we are signing it tomorrow. I try to look on the bright side of things and hope that there's sunshine after the rain.
As for my colleagues, they like to feel important too. When I doubted my coach's abilities, she was so offended and started rambling on her resume. Alright, her resume is indeed extremely impressive. But judging by their tendency to exaggerate, I cant help but be doubtful.Even my admin colleague is behaving increasingly like my coach. Initially, she was a nice and sweet lady but nowadays, she's getting bold. I wonder, if everyone wants to be Mr/Miss Important, then who is going to be not important? Me? I think so. They treat me as a foreigner and its me against all of them. How am I going to win this war? I have no idea and I'm already getting tired.Tired of being slave to all of them. Maybe if i discard whatever respect and blow my top whenever I'm unhappy, or simply be blunt and tell them if they are not up to my standard, out they go,or bypassing bosses to do what i think i need to do, maybe life will be better coz its my way of living. But i'm sure, i'll be labelled as a common enemy by all and my life will still not be easy.
How?
On a side note, I've finished "The order of the Phoenix". Thanks grace for the book. I must agree with her that the plot is not as wonderful as the first four books and there are parts which I think are badly written (especially the romance part...if she wants to add it in, i think she should have developed it further, if not, then drop it) but generally, being a true blue potter fan, i'm still very mersmerized by it. How I wish i have my other four books with me so that i can read them all over again. Maybe i can read this fifth book again hmmm......potter potter potter*goes on ranting like some spastic fangirl*.
8/24/2003|0comments [speak] 