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Tuesday
I figure the previous entry was too crude and angry so i've deleted it.
I FAILED my driving test(and its not an april fools' joke) and i'm coming to terms with my failure now.
Its not like i've been always getting what i want or that i'm blessed in any way. Especially so when i see friends who are so blessed that even though they put in less effort, their dreams always come true. Yes i admit, i'm jealous of these people. I think its just human to feel this way.So failure shouldn't be a shock to me but i don't know why i'm taking this so hard.
Chew said i overvalue the notion of success, more explicitly material success, that if i should fall one day, it'll be hard to ever stand up agian. Perhaps i'm given a flavour of that impending doom by this test? Joyce always say i'm pessimistic. I am but how can i not be when things seldom look good? I try to be more perceptive (refer to one of the earlier entry) coz i know it'll help me to see hope in life but everytime when i think life is good, something bad must happen to remind me of the harsh reality. My life is not like a dream, i'm constantly struggling to survive. It's evident in my financial status. I've to scrimp and save everyday to pay for this and that and now the SARs thing is getting so big that i'm soon going to run down on my reserves. Travel,ha! most likely not possible anymore. Joyce and Minyun,if u are reading this, please emapthise with my situation. I really would love to go for summer camp, else i wun spend so much time on my application but money Is an issue for me and my pride is too.
Though its just a driving test like most of you will think, but the way its affecting me is scary. Its the way i'm handling it that makes me fear for my future. What if i really fail one day. It'll be a million, a billion, a trillion times worse than this. If i can't come to terms with failure, then is Chew's premonition going to come true? I enter this world alone, grew up alone and will most likely lead the rest of my life alone. If i fail, how will i survive? Will i choose to escape by terminating my existence on this planet?
I'm due to graduate soon but my mind is blank. I do not know what i want to do and where i am heading. I was not this aimless last year this time but i am now. Its another foreboding sign isnt it?Will i meet failure sooner than I expect and is my adversity quotient sufficient to help me through such tough times? Why am I not borned with a silver spoon? Why do I have to suffer such 'poverty'?(Poverty financially, poverty in blessing, poverty in luck, poverty in character depth, poverty in any and every sense)
Its another long miserable night where my evil twin reigns and my dark gloomy world is resurrected.
4/01/2003|0comments [speak] 