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Saturday
Amy and myself are having problems. Hers is with sense of attachment and mine is with sense of detachment. If only we can be like paint, like syrup, just mix together and produce something more moderate. If i din talk abt it i wun even realise i'm having this prob. Amy says its being "jaded and cynical" but i hope i'm not to that extent yet. I shall pull the reins and hope not to fall into the extreme.
Talking abt pullin back...i think i need to seriously do some pulling back before i really overstep the boundaries. According to xl, i might have done myself more emotional damage than i really wanted by being helpful to......uh hrm. I suppose its the subconcious desire to please or an act of desperate plea for acceptance. I sound pathetic! gosh and i din even realise it. high time to stop all my silly acts.
Meanwhile, things in sch arent looking brighter. I just heard from xl that the sch will send letters to hons students that dun make the mark, of course in their narrow pt of view, "encouraging" them to opt out of the program. Knowing this is unsettling. I thot as long i try my best to scrape past the exams i will be alrgiht, well, it doesnt seem so anymore. i'm quite sure i'm at the bottom of the hons cohort and however hard i work, i'm not smart enough. I don't remember why in the first place i get myself into this shit . dunno why i doing what i'm doing, dunno what i'm going to do thereafter, dunno dunno and more dunnos. my path is no longer clear and it doesnt help that i'm in a rat race, it doesnt help that pple ard thinks i've been elevated to a celestial being coz of the hons status,it doesnt help that they belive that celestial beings are omnipotent. what if i fall one day. what will become of me? Chew said before " the higher u are the more fearful u become and shld u fall, it will be harder than the rest. "Maybe that explains all my sense of insecurity? Life is so unpredictable. i love it this way yet i hate it.
i'm a quitter, i'll hide in foreign lands where i have no social obligations.
9/07/2002|0comments [speak] 